You’ve finally slipped all the way through my fingers. I never thought I’d lose you for good. The harder I force myself not to look back, the less I feel. I don’t recognize love anymore. Last night I dreamed of marriage, as the circus it has become for me, sideshow after sideshow, illusionists, awkward creatures, frightening cages & contraptions. After I pushed you away love escaped my reality. I look on in indifference.
I fear that if I settle for absolutely anything less than what I truly desire, the color will lose its brilliance, the universe will cease to expand, God will become less infinite.
The prophet spoke to me from a dream
“I baptize you with water for repentance”
I awoke in the desert
A captive there to His will
Fearful, as I mourned
For what I knew to be freedom.
Lost for identity,
And without running
My faith bled from me
Into the expanse.
I could not remember your names
Or I would have called out to you.
And surely I would have died in this moment.
Had my Helper not met me there.
Ezer!
The breath that had purged from my lungs.
As I was filled with prayer
I prayed to Him for Grace and for Truth.
I prayed to Him for Protection and Provision.
I prayed to Him for the names I didn’t know.
Until His praises came upon my splintered lips.
I worshiped Him for everything that I loved about Him.
I worshiped Him for everything I could not understand.
I lifted my hands up to the dry, salty air,
And I worshiped Him.
And when every last stronghold fell away,
He answered me.
The prophet spoke again,
“But after me will come One who is mightier than I.
Whose sandals I am not fit to carry.
He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire.”
And the Rivers poured out from me.
Sometimes spreading your wings is painful, breaking through that old comfortable skin. Reaching for a climax that never ends.
Past Transgressions
I release you
I cannot keep suffocating in your toxicity.
I cannot keep fighting the flames of your insurgence.
I cannot keep hiding in the trenches.
I will not be enslaved.
I will no longer fall victim
To your mutiny.
Nor dwell in your ruins.
I submit myself to you one last time.
And you will find that your blaze may not consume me
In the way that it once had.
I am here for baptism.
Wicking all of your ardor.
I am here for baptism.
Releasing ghosts and defiant embers.
I am here for baptism.
Kissing my ashes as they ascend into the night
And in a twinkling, populate the sky.
Past Transgressions I release you.
For all that you were
And will be
No more.
All the criteria is satisfied, and something still doesn’t feel right. Channeling my inner optimist because I am not giving up on normalcy. Not right yet.
